VATICAN CITY—Numerous onlookers confirmed that His Holiness Pope Francis could be seen Thursday sprinting along the Holy See’s rooftops, darting between the chimneys and marble sculptures of the apostles atop St. Peter’s Basilica and the Sistine Chapel as he attempted to chase down a suspected sinner.
After deftly scaling an exterior fire escape on the Apostolic Library, the pontiff is said to have raced across the pitched roof of the Vatican Museums while closely trailing the fleeing commandment violator, who according to eyewitnesses looked back over his shoulder multiple times during the pursuit to find the white-clad Vicar of Christ just a dozen paces behind him.
Reports indicate that the pope lost track of the transgressor against God on top of the Palace of the Canonicate, causing him to pause for several seconds and frantically scan the horizon in all directions before suddenly spying the man on the adjacent roof of the Church of Santa Maria della Pietà, at which point the Bishop of Rome is said to have dashed at full speed to the building’s ledge and leapt the 30-foot gap separating the two structures.
Sources confirmed that after a tumbling landing, the pope quickly picked himself up, returned his mitre to his head, and immediately resumed the chase.
At press time, Pope Francis had reportedly taken a shortcut around the Tower of Nicholas V and tackled the unnamed blasphemer from behind, sending them both crashing through a 15th-century stained glass window and directly into a confessional booth below.
“The Onion’ – America’s Finest News Souurce
Wow, a Caucasian Jackie Chan!
Following his overnight arrival in Ukraine amid the escalating regional tensions over the the Crimean peninsula, sources confirmed seeing U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry wearing a trench coat and cloaked in shadows at the back of a seedy, smoke-filled Kiev café Tuesday while reportedly awaiting a woman known to him only as Dasha.
“All I know is that my contact goes by the name Dasha, and from the dossier I was given, she’s extremely beautiful, deadly, and not keen on making my life easy,” the United States’ top diplomat was reportedly overheard saying between drags of a pencil-thin cigarette held between his pursed lips.
“The one thing I do know is there isn’t a chance in hell this secretary of state leaves Kiev without first making nice with Dasha. No, one way or another I need Dasha, and not just because she’s a mysteriously alluring beauty who’s been known to seduce her share of foreign ministers. I mustn’t underestimate her cunning and intelligence either—let’s just say this is a woman who knows a thing or two, particularly about the socioeconomic realities of eastern Europe and the political divisions among the ethnic populations in the region.”
At press time, Kerry had reportedly detected the unmistakable scent of rosewood and nightshade, Dasha’s signature perfume.
Via: The Onion ‘America’s Finest News Source’
Speaking with reporters from his desk in the Oval Office Wednesday, President Ted Cruz found a moment to take a break from his duties as commander in chief and leader of the free world to fondly recall the marathon anti-Obamacare Senate speech he delivered in 2013, the one that propelled his ascent to the presidency.
By explaining that a purple finch is crimson, saying that a Panama hat is from Ecuador, and comparing those who refused to stand up to the Nazis with those who refused to stand up to Obamacare, the then freshman Senator Cruz set himself apart from other presidential hopefuls that fateful September day and instantly became a legitimate contender for the White House.
“It was a gamble, but it paid off,” President Cruz said, adding that he had a feeling on that fateful day years ago that likening his struggle against Obamacare to the rebel alliance’s battle against the Empire in Star Wars would be a message that would resonate with the nation’s electorate. “I knew I was doing something special, and I knew that the American people would definitely take me and the Republican Party seriously if I compared my speech to the Bataan Death March in which nearly 10,000 Filipino POWs died before they could reach their destination at Camp O’Donnell.”
“‘They did not like Obamacare in a box, with a fox, in a house, or with a mouse,’” Cruz continued, recalling an excerpt from the historic speech. “Strong words, absolutely. No wonder they rocked our nation to its core.”
Read more, at ‘America’s Finest News Source’, HERE:
As President Obama continues to push for a plan of limited military intervention in Syria, a new poll of Americans has found that though the nation remains wary over the prospect of becoming involved in another Middle Eastern war, the vast majority of U.S. citizens strongly approve of sending Congress to Syria.
The New York Times/CBS News poll showed that MORE than 90 PERCENT of the public is convinced that putting all 535 representatives of the United States Congress on the ground in Syria—including Senate pro tempore Patrick Leahy, House Speaker John Boehner, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, and, in fact, all current members of the House and Senate—is the best course of action at this time.
Via: ‘America’s Finest News Source’
Hell of a Plan!
Via: ‘America’s Finest News Source’
DAMASCUS—Syria’s ongoing civil war entered a new and dangerous phase today as tens of thousands of bloodthirsty bears reportedly descended on the strife-torn country, charging from city to city on a murderous rampage.
Terrified witnesses confirmed that scores of semi-conscious residents have been dragged from their homes by their necks, torn limb from limb, and had their innards feasted upon by hordes of vicious bears, which appeared to target individuals regardless of whether they supported President Bashar al-Assad or the insurgent opposition.
“We thought the violence couldn’t possibly get any worse, and then all of a sudden the streets were crawling with ferocious, roaring bears, indiscriminately thrashing everything in sight,” said Syrian rebel commander Salim Idris, wearing an eyepatch from a fresh claw wound he sustained earlier in the day. “I directed my fighters to shoot them on sight, but each bear takes so many bullets to subdue, and when one finally goes down three more fill in to take its place.”
“I don’t know what side the bears are on, but at this point it might not even matter,” he continued. “They’re everywhere and they’re extremely angry.”
Read more, HERE:
Note: If you think things can’t possibly get any worse, think again!
Via: “America’s Finest News Source”
DORCHESTER, MA—The ongoing trial of notorious Boston crime boss James “Whitey” Bulger on 19 murder-related charges took another pivotal turn today as Massachusetts authorities discovered the bodies of every single person involved in the trial in a wooded area outside Dorchester, law enforcement officials announced this afternoon.
“At approximately 9:30 a.m. this morning, police identified the bodies of 347 people in a wooded area near Columbia Road, including one District Court judge, five prosecuting attorneys, 18 jurors, 32 potential witnesses, and dozens of gallery spectators.”
Read more, HERE:
CENTENNIAL, CO—Following her split this week with One Direction singer Harry Styles, sources confirmed today that Taylor Swift has moved on and is now dating mass murder suspect James Holmes.
“Taylor and James were first spotted canoodling at a pre-trial hearing, and we were able to confirm today that the two are indeed an item,” gossip blogger Perez Hilton wrote of the relationship between the 23-year-old singer-songwriter and the 25-year-old accused Aurora theater gunman, nicknaming the couple “Swolmes.”
“Just this morning, fans took several photos of the lovebirds leaving the Centennial courthouse hand in hand. They’re actually really cute together.” (Indeed, they do)
At press time, sources reported seeing the couple heading back to Holmes’ prison cell at Arapahoe County Jail.
Via: America’s Finest News Source:
Via: Mock, Paper, Scissors
Ayn and Ronnie leave for some important meetings.
Sgts Palin and Mittens reporting for Duty, Herr Kommandant.
House darlings Eric and Michele strolling around Tampax.
If you dare, see even more, HERE:
POCATELLO, ID—A $1 bill somehow made its way into the hands of Mitt Romney during a campaign stop Thursday, reportedly causing the Republican presidential candidate a moment of uncomprehending fascination. “What am I looking at here? What is this?” said Romney, squinting at the bill as he turned it over and over in his hands.
“It almost looks like money, but it’s missing the zeroes. Huh. Do people try to buy things with this?”
Romney finally crumpled up the bill and threw it away, chuckling as he told reporters that “whoever thought that one up must be a real wiseacre.”
Via: “America’s Finest News Source”
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